Sushi

"What? 8 California Rolls for R40? Get out of my face waitron. I dont care how well-meaning or cute you are.What kind of highway-robbery establishment is this? Maybe next time i book for Willoughbys, you can just take my bank account details over the phone and thieve from there!!"

I mean, after all, who would pay such ludicrous moneys for sushi when such a disproportionate amount of sushi specials exist in this city. One can't even swing an eel anymore without hitting a specials menu.

Beluga, Sevruga, Pepeneros, Codfather, FoodLovers, Blowfish, CTFM, Tong Lok.

And I'm sure there's many more. All of these fine establishments lure in street-wise Capetonians for 'half-price' or 'blue plate' specials daily. Not just on Tuesday between 10:27am and 4:39pm or on every third Sunday of the month - but ALL THE TIME (almost).

So suddenly, you go to a 'no-specials' Sushi restaurant, and your nigiri causes a gag reflex because of the irrepressible feeling of theft it's served with.

We're spoilt. And we should embrace it.

The rest of the world says they're seeing a serious global Tuna shortage.

I laugh in the face of the world as I chug my rainbow roll and pay in R5 coins.

It's so cheap, one can even bathe in it

The Claw

BEWARE.

The Claw is back.

It usually strikes between the 15th Dec - 12th Jan, and the impact of it can be debilitating.

If somehow, you've been able to avoid it so far, well done. You're obviously keeping your guard up.

If not so lucky, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about...

Let me paint a picture:

You're on the beach, or in a bar, or restaurant, or mall, or any other public-use facility where Joburg Boytjies can be found. Suddenly one approaches you. Generally they'll enter from your blind spot, giving your peripheries zero chance to react to the imminent danger. Attired in a USN vest, thigh-hugging boardshorts and a tan that was somehow manufactured long before they arrived in Ct for their holiday, the Boytjie will grab your attention, usually with a:

"How you, my boy?"

or

"China!!"

Clearly, you've met this Gauteng-dweller before.

And then it strikes. The Boytjie will cup his hand (usually the right - more power) in to a C-formation and go straight for your trapezius muscle. (See image 2.c)

2.c

He will squeeze this muscle in what he believes to be a show of camaraderie and goodwill, but it actually feels like a 5-point pressure punch to the neck. The Claw will then continue to squeeze and (depending on the Boytjie's level of excitement) begin to do a fast massaging motion to the affected area.

The sensation is far from pleasurable.

And generally, neither is the conversation that follows it. ("What you nett this year?")

So like I said, BEWARE Capeownians.

The Claw is hungry.

RIP Twenties

Like a candle in the wind, you were suddenly swept away from me in a gust of aging flatulence.

The time that we spent together will always remain sacred.

The booze, the song, the woman, the nightlife, the greyless mane, the long days on the beach and the brief hours at work, the sweet scent of supple twenty-something skin and the tang of no responsibility - are all just a memory now.

What happened? Why? WHYYYY??

I'll miss you twenties.

For now, I am thirty.

Farewell.