PeriWearsPants

A good ol fashioned assing

2012-02-16T05:25:00.003-08:00

There is no real way to justify this kind of behaviour.

It basically just boils down to a bunch of dudes on a bachelors weekend getting over-excited and indulging in some homo-erotic play fun for the entertainment of the rest of the group. No biggie. Guy stuff.

Stop it now!

2011-05-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

Matt Meola - $100,000 Innersection edit from ACL Digital Cinema on Vimeo.

Can the progression in surfing please stop already. You're making every surfer feel inadequate.

Back in the day, you'd see Shane Dorian make it out of a huge tube or Kalani Robb do a sick extended floater, and you'd have thought to yourself, 'Ja, I could pull that.' But you watch Matt Meola, and you just KNOW that you'll never do that.

Depressing, really.

The quietest band I've ever seen

2011-01-25T06:38:00.000-08:00

Finally got to shoot and direct my own piece.
Thank goodness Sea Point is so naturally pretty.

Hand Model

2010-12-08T01:49:00.000-08:00

World's Greatest Hand Model Exactly As Creepy As You'd Expect World's Greatest Hand Model To Be

Zoolander was right! They really do keep their hands in protective cases.

Please tell this woman to stop holding her arms in the air when she gets into lifts.

2010-11-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

Haha. Flowers. Getting kicked in the face.
I feel so evil posting this. But how can you not?
Besides, I don't always like flowers either. I like them sometimes, but then they die.
Such drama-queens, those flowers.
Give me a cactus anyday. They're such survivors. Ugly, but tough. Like Mickey Rourke.

What what where??

2010-10-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

You know when you just cant get a song out of your head? It's so damn catchy and you sing it in the lift under your breath. And you sing it in in the bath. And you sing it around friend's children, and then they start to sing it. And then one day their parents hear them singing it and they get upset because the song is only suitable for adults, and then the parents ask the kid: "Where did you hear that?" and the kid replies, "Uncle Peri was singing it." And then you get banned from the house.

This is one of those songs:

And what a music vid. Totally worthy of 32million views.

I'll watch once more. 32, 000,00and1.

Apology

2010-07-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

Blogs. They take time. And sometimes, one doesn't have time.

Sorry my 7 followers. I've let you down.

Don't touch me on my Studio: The Hollywood Remake

2010-06-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Seems like everyone is getting touchy about being touched.

Who would have guessed that a high-pitched, terrified E-tv news anchor could have inspired the journalist world to stand up against overly amorous interviewees. Mr Visagie learnt his lesson, and now this damn fool from Laguna Honda better back the eff up.

Honestly. What's with all these public displays of handies on shouldies.

This guy was WAY out of line. WAY!

I'm glad we're starting to respect each other's personal space again.

Jesse James comes clean

2010-06-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Wow this video is uncomfortable.

I love the stare down by Ms Interviewer. How bad would you feel if this woman caught you doing something wrong? That is a perfectly executed death stare. Her disappointment is palpable.

No wonder Jesse begins to fidget like a heroin addict. Poor grease monkey. I even feel bad for him. I'm sure Sandra was upset about the whole thing, but there's no way she could have pulled off that level of reprimanding silence.

2010-05-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

The face of change

2010-05-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

Living My Life Faster - 8 years of JK's Daily Photo Project from JK Keller on Vimeo.

This guy took a picture of himself every day from 1998 to 2006 and edited them together into a 100 second video.

I think it's pretty obvious when he first become unemployed.
Somewhere around 2005.

Plane Rude

2010-05-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to want to murder a child?

Well, yes. It is. I know.

But isn't it forgivable if that child is screaming in your ear for 2 straight hours from Joburg to CT? Then maybe it's all right. Right?

I mean, come on!

Okay kid, I get it. You're unhappy. Well then how about proving your anguish to mommy in other ways. Bite her, pull her hair, pee on her. All of these are far better options than torturing an entire plane of weary business travels with your high-pitched yodeling.

So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to wait until they serve the onboard meal. Then, just when you about to enjoy your dessert - your little pre-packaged creamy delight - I'm going to walk by and snatch it.

Then I'm going to eat it.

In front of you. In one mouthful.

And then I'm going to lean in and whisper in your ear:
"Next time you scream, I'm going to eat you. In one mouthful."

Then I'm going to walk back to my seat, cool and calm.

But you wont be cool and calm. You'll be terrified.

But at least, you'll be quiet.

What are you doing little boy?

2010-05-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

Very funny.

But then it became less funny when I found out this boy actually doesn't have arms.

Track of the day - Motivation on a stick

2010-05-10T03:32:00.001-07:00

	Ennio Morricone - L'Estasi Dell'Oro Bandini remix .mp3

	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Drop that beat mr DJ

2010-03-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

It's not often we get treated to international DJ's that aren't Trance or House or DJ Tiesto or one of those Bump 59 half-assers. So when a cool international talent like DJ Babu of Dilated Peoples rocks up on our doorstep to play a little intimate sess, one should embrace it.

I'll be there. The one throwing his hands in the air like he just dont care saying Ahh Yeah!

FIFA owning it

2010-03-19T04:56:00.001-07:00

So FIFA and their merry band of lawyers took down Kulula for being a little too 'South African' and 'soccery', but will they take down the new Loeries campaign for the same reason? After all, the Loeries are claiming "The Biggest Event of the Year."

And since FIFA clearly own 'South Africa', 'vuvuzelas', and 'soccer balls', then who's to say they don't own the colours blue, yellow, red, green and high angle photographs of the city?

Good luck Loeries. FIFA are coming for you.

Sushi

2010-01-27T05:28:00.000-08:00

"What? 8 California Rolls for R40? Get out of my face waitron. I dont care how well-meaning or cute you are.What kind of highway-robbery establishment is this? Maybe next time i book for Willoughbys, you can just take my bank account details over the phone and thieve from there!!"

I mean, after all, who would pay such ludicrous moneys for sushi when such a disproportionate amount of sushi specials exist in this city. One can't even swing an eel anymore without hitting a specials menu.

Beluga, Sevruga, Pepeneros, Codfather, FoodLovers, Blowfish, CTFM, Tong Lok.

And I'm sure there's many more. All of these fine establishments lure in street-wise Capetonians for 'half-price' or 'blue plate' specials daily. Not just on Tuesday between 10:27am and 4:39pm or on every third Sunday of the month - but ALL THE TIME (almost).

So suddenly, you go to a 'no-specials' Sushi restaurant, and your nigiri causes a gag reflex because of the irrepressible feeling of theft it's served with.

We're spoilt. And we should embrace it.

The rest of the world says they're seeing a serious global Tuna shortage.

I laugh in the face of the world as I chug my rainbow roll and pay in R5 coins.

It's so cheap, one can even bathe in it

The Claw

2010-01-11T02:11:00.000-08:00

BEWARE.

The Claw is back.

It usually strikes between the 15th Dec - 12th Jan, and the impact of it can be debilitating.

If somehow, you've been able to avoid it so far, well done. You're obviously keeping your guard up.

If not so lucky, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about...

Let me paint a picture:

You're on the beach, or in a bar, or restaurant, or mall, or any other public-use facility where Joburg Boytjies can be found. Suddenly one approaches you. Generally they'll enter from your blind spot, giving your peripheries zero chance to react to the imminent danger. Attired in a USN vest, thigh-hugging boardshorts and a tan that was somehow manufactured long before they arrived in Ct for their holiday, the Boytjie will grab your attention, usually with a:

"How you, my boy?"

or

"China!!"

Clearly, you've met this Gauteng-dweller before.

And then it strikes. The Boytjie will cup his hand (usually the right - more power) in to a C-formation and go straight for your trapezius muscle. (See image 2.c)

2.c

He will squeeze this muscle in what he believes to be a show of camaraderie and goodwill, but it actually feels like a 5-point pressure punch to the neck. The Claw will then continue to squeeze and (depending on the Boytjie's level of excitement) begin to do a fast massaging motion to the affected area.

The sensation is far from pleasurable.

And generally, neither is the conversation that follows it. ("What you nett this year?")

So like I said, BEWARE Capeownians.

The Claw is hungry.

RIP Twenties

2010-01-05T06:23:00.000-08:00

Like a candle in the wind, you were suddenly swept away from me in a gust of aging flatulence.

The time that we spent together will always remain sacred.

The booze, the song, the woman, the nightlife, the greyless mane, the long days on the beach and the brief hours at work, the sweet scent of supple twenty-something skin and the tang of no responsibility - are all just a memory now.

What happened? Why? WHYYYY??

I'll miss you twenties.

For now, I am thirty.

Farewell.

The Killers

2009-12-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

I know it's old news, but I haven't really had the chance to gripe about how bloody annoying that Killers show was.

All i can say is "F you Big Concerts!"

What the hell where you thinking? Putting a major rock band on a little patch of grass reserved for Horsey-related activities on a back road in Paarl with only one entrance?

What?

Did you think we'd all be riding bare-back to the show and therefore not worry about the logistics of a car? Or 30 000 cars?

And apparently this exact same shit went down at Celine Dion a few years back. Fair enough, if you're a Celine Dion fan, you probably deserve that type of punishment, but it still doesn't explain why Big Concerts would attempt to use Val De F*&kin Vie again.

All I can say is that The Killers used to be a cool band, and then Big Concerts came along and ruined them. RUINED.

So I thought this to be an opportunity to drop some scientific research regarding the event.

Herewith, are my findings:

2009-11-25T06:41:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't enjoy a cool, refreshing glass of juice once in a while?

Me? Usually mango juice on the porch.

Her?

2009-11-20T00:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah Cape Town!

2009-11-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

May I..

Can I...

May I... just say..., that the CCC and all the other lil government-employed busy-bees are doing a SUPERB job of transforming our city into something new and shiny.

Sure it's a bit of a ball-ache having to kamikaze through two-lane traffic cause the other two have been under construction for three years, or trying to figure out how the hell that new Green Point circle thing works without ending up at McD's, but its a ball-ache I'm willing to endure, even enjoy, to watch our city graduate to the big-time.

Have ya seen the new Green Point walkways? They're sic. You could eat your Giovani's pancheta off the tiles they so clean and new. And the overhead lights? Even Stockholmians are gonna be jealous of our public areas when they see that shit.

I'm certainly quite proud.

And that public park is gonna be the best part. I'm not really one to sit on a park bench and feed squirrels, but I'm gonna be at that park stuffing those rodents with peanuts so often, they'll be hiding the nuts in their pits and trading them for favours with the prossies.

Of course, the prossies are the ones who really benefit the most. What with the aforementioned lighting, and the pristine pavements, their showroom floor just got a glorious makeover.

And in case you havent noticed, the CCC are planting trees EVERYWHERE. Not only are male dogs and vagrants now peeing more than ever, but I've noticed a marked increase in O2. Daily.

Fascinating.

So with that I say "Kudos" to the CCC and all the other Danny Jordaan oompa loompas.

(Look out for my photgraphic essay - Palm trees and Prossies: Vol 1)

Simpsonize dem

2009-09-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

I sure do love Simpsons. I also love hip-hop. Bring the two together, and I'll blast a little Simpson-hop load.

Sorry. That was a bit much. But I do quite like what they've done here. They all there: Snoop, Kanye, Eminem, Biggie, Easy E, Tupac, Flavor Flav, even that Fat Joe wannabe.

Look. It's not the best thing I've ever seen on the internet, but, well...ok, I'm supposed to be doing some work, and you know, just felt like not doing some work. So what? What makes you so great anyway? Judger!

Is my life sucky?

2009-09-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Simple. I know.

But important to remember this one. Cause sometimes you're sitting at work writing an ad for hemroids ("Kiss your hemroides goodbye."?? Maybe? Hmm. Prob wont stick.) and suddenly you sit up and think, hang on - is my life sucking right now?

The answer is no. Its just because you're writing an ad for hemroids. (I've never actually written one - just a hypothetical shituation, get it? But seriously, I've never written one.) But if you feel your life does suck, which it probably doesn't cause you own a computer and possibly an education, but if you feel it really really does, then make a little change.

My change today? I'm writing on my blog instead of writing the crappy hypothetical situation hemroid ad. It's enough of a change to improve my mood. And that, my dear, is what's important.

What a gorgeous jacket

2009-08-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

This isn't an advertising blog and hopefully, it never will be, cause then I become just another ad hack hoping to receive some of the afterglow of other people's fine work.

But when something is funny, it's worth adding. And to me, this Ebay ad is funny.

I love the way 'Frank' comes goose-stepping into frame.

Deal Alert: Origin

2009-08-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Origin makes the best cup of coffee in Cape Town.

I don't think I need to argue this point. If you say "No Vida does" I'll stab you in the neck with a spoon. Just come over to my house any evening in the week, and I'll be there, ready to stab you with a spoon. Just for saying that Vida makes better coffee than Origin.

It's not that Vida's coffee is bad. It's just that Origin's will make your eyeballs roll. I'm still rushing from my cup this morn. Maybe that's why I'm threatening you with a spoon.

So can you imagine my deelite when I found out that all coffee is half-price at Origin for a short while. But only upstairs in their new section. Promotion, you see. And a great one. But dangerous. It's like telling a heroin addict there's a HEYDAY SALE on Smack - start stockpiling.

So now I'm there everyday. They've even given me a filthy mattress in the corner to lie on. And when I froth at the mouth and convulse, they calmly wipe away the spittle and give me sugar-water. Don't think Vida would have done that.

So there you go: a solid bit of discount info. Straight from the half-jewish guy who loves a deal as much as he loves free cologne sachets in magazines.

Ch-check it out. I even drew you a map.

2009-08-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

ha ha

My new heroes

2009-08-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

A $65 million dolla jewellery heist went down in central London a few days ago and I would like to openly proclaim my utmost approval of this outstanding accomplishment. You cant beat that. A frickin heist! I wanna be those bad-asses.

The robbery, carried out at Graff Jewellers on London’s New Bond Street, was Britain’s biggest ever gem heist. And the thiefs were cool cucumbers about the whole thing. Didn't even bother to wear masks. No masks!! That is beyond bad-ass. Some even suspect there were some facial prosthetics involved, which for me, doesn't take anything away from how cheeky the whole thing is.

You got to see the CCTV pic of these two. Looks like they just walked off the set of a Guy Ritchie flick.

Now if that isn't two cool mother-f%&kers, then what is? No answer? Yeah, thought so. Cause NOTHING is cooler than these two mother-f%&kers. I wish they were friends of mine.

Tell you what, if we were pals, and they invited me along, I'd have done it. That kind of an invitation is way too exhilirating to shoot down. I'd prob be the getaway driver, but still, I'd be in on it. And I'd have a codename. Prob something like Diamond Tooth Peri. Aaaahh yeah!

"Quick, get in the van. GO GO GO!....Yesssss. We got away. Stupid Pigs! Good driving Diamond Tooth."

However, it's probably worth mentioning that an arrest has already been made. Some 50yr old accomplice to the robbers. But still, someone's gotta go down. That's how crime works, you see.

For the love of Johnny Drama

2009-08-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

Entourage Season 6 is merely days away from airing in the States, and soon, will somehow be available to all of us who have a TV-Series-Drug-Dealer.

A TV-Series-Drug-Dealer?

You know the types - work in IT, able to get their hands on anything, love to share, own a Terrabyte of stolen entertainment. We all know one. If you don't, find one. They're great. Although they tend to be clingy. Maybe that's just mine.

Soooo, back to the shpiel. Entourage is addictive. It's just one of those shows that makes you feel like its your life. You the one Living The Dream (LTD) going to Beverly Hills pool parties, driving Astons', slaying Hollywood Honeys*. (*I'm more into my Bollywood Honey).

But then the 25 min finishes and you realise you're not in LA. You're lying on your couch with Choc Vitola crumbs on your chest and no $10mil movie deal or a crew of slaves for friends. Sux. But the bottom line is that the show is great escapism, its got cool tunes and ARI GOLD.

If you are a big fan, then I came across this piece on on the much-anticipated Season 6. Its a great read.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/aug/05/entourage-us-tv-drama

New Artist Alert: Asher Roth

2009-07-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

For those of you into hip hop, there's no need to mention that there has been very little released over the last year that's worth noticing. Just the same ol shnizz. Except now it's gone all synthy and retarded. Like Lil Wayne.

Enter from side of stage: ASHER ROTH

The next white-boy rapper.

Shame. Looks like a bit of a tit.

But at least he has no delusions of being a homie. He is what he is, a lanky suburban nerd. He raps like that too. And herein is what makes the guy's music work so well: he sounds fresh.

It also helps that he's got cool beats and a mellow flow. You might have heard his single: I love college. But if you havent, check him out.

http://www.gomusicnow.com/artist.html?id=122997

Finally, something worth downloading.

Does my bum look big in this?

2009-07-31T05:06:00.000-07:00

Yes.

I think I smell a scheme

2009-07-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

I thought property agents were bloodhounds. HA!

HA HA HA...

HA.

The real deal bloodhounds? 'Multi-level Marketers'. Well, that's what they like to call themselves. Everyone else just calls them a 'Pyramid Scheme'. But they hate that title. Hate it!! In fact,"It's not a pyramid scheme!" is usually the second thing they say when meeting you. The first thing being: "I have an exciting opportunity I'd like to chat to you about."

In case you haven't had a friend or family member accost you yet with one of these 'exciting opportunities' let me fill you in. It's a system of recruiting people to sell crap like pots or woolen jumpers or Q10 cellulite cream for elderly thighs or, and this is usually the popular one, Health Supplements! The more they sell, the more you make. Sweet! So where do I sign?

But after doing my research, it's not quite so quaint. Sure, if you pester enough people, throw faux dinner parties that are really recruitment quicksand traps, and exhaust every friend, family member, colleague, guy you met in the sauna, etc with your 'opportunity', you may make a little $$. But I don't know if being 'that guy' is worth it.

"Oh shit. Is that Peri walking towards us? Quick, hide. There, under that bergie."

No thanks. I'll just keep being an ad guy. Selling Q10 cellulite cream to woman with elderly thighs - but at least I wont have used every acquaintance I've ever made in the process.

Although their promise that I'll be "making R200k in 6 months" is tempting....

Would you rather...

2009-07-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

...have T-rex arms or a micro-penis?

This is the latest one I heard in a long line of "would you rathers". Obviously this one isn't made for the laaadies, unless maybe it was like "would you rather have T-rex arms or a 6ft labia?" But it doesn't translate quite as well.

Anyyyyyway, so this particular "would you rather" triggered much debate among the three males discussing this urgent topic. The general feeling was that owning a micro-penis was a more viable option. After all, who wants to give up tennis? Or using a knife and fork? Or waving your arms in the air like you just dont care?

And since we're on the subject, would you rather have a head the size of a large beach ball or a ping pong ball?

Think about it.

What would be weirder?

Give me a beach ball head anyday. Imagine the ping pong ball option. I mean, really! You could only ever eat rice crispies and the first kiss on a date would be a nightmare - for both parties.

Not to mention, haircuts. One wrong snip and "oh sorry, was that your neck?"

Yes, these are the questions one must ask in life. Or at a party when there's an awkward silence.

2009-07-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

MattyTech proves how terrifying T-rex arms may really be

The squirrel and I

2009-07-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Weirdest thing. Walking in the company gardens on my way to enjoy watching a workers strike that hopefully, may errupt into a riot, and I came upon a very unusual looking squirrel in my path.

I tried to feed my new friend a few nuts, but he seemed to turn his nose up at them.

Luckily I had some spare sugar cubes left in my backpack from Tea that morning at The Mount Nelson.

He loved those. And brayed as I combed his mane.

2009-07-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

Pardon em moi? Did you say 9 cents a track?

2009-07-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

One word: Gomusicnow.com

Or is that four? Either way, this is pretty much my favourite addiction since quitting TIK. And soon, it will be yours too.

This is categorically the best music downloading site I’ve found. For so long I’ve shaken my fists at the sky and cursed iTunes Store for not selling their catalogue to SA (“South Africa? They have too much crime to listen to music”)

Well screw you and your black turtle necks, Steve Jobs, cause Gomusicnow has every track you ever dreamed of for 9 CENTS!! (USA) So like…80 cents!! And they have EVERYTHING.

Maybe you all know this and I’m as late to this as I am to blogging, but if not, give it a go. If you don’t like it, well, it'll still be better than a karate chop to the throat.

Thanks Paul Snodgrass. You’re a wealth of 9am-coffee-shop info.

LOL

2009-07-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Can we all please stop with the LOL?

Let's be honest. None of us are really LOLing at that slightly humorous moment. At most, maybe we're performing a subtle Smile or experiencing some Laughing On The Inside . So I vote we get rid of that damn LOL lie and be more honest with a simple S, or a LOIS. ie:

"Wow Sherry, that was so funny!!! LOIS!"

Or

"Gosh Dave, you sure nailed that slapper last night. S!!!!!"

I'm just trying to promote some honesty in our society here. Who's with me?
S.

Don't even get me started on EMOTICONS. :(

Buying Property

2009-07-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

You got to hand it to property agents. They damn fine bloodhounds.

I've only recently arrived at this observation since I started looking a few months ago.

I tell you, if I had a missing child or a kidnapped wife, I'd call up a property agent and tell them that my lost child/kidnapped wife are looking for a two bedroom in sea point. No doubt, the agent will have tracked down my loved ones and called them at least 15 times by the following day with options.

Cause once you show that interest, they alllll over you.

I had to pick one out of my ear just yesterday. Somehow he had climbed up in there and just wouldn't stop asking me when I'm "available for a viewing?"

Good for them. Gotta make their cheese.

Shame though. They all have the same look in their eye. Like a wide-eyed Walt Disney character that hasn't eaten in three days.

I think I smell a scam

2009-07-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

I find scams highly entertaining. The funniest aspect is that people fall for them. We joke about a pleady Nigerian asking us over email (Dear Friend,...) to send $10 000 so he can secure his $20 mil fortune and give us some, but people actually have fallen for it. THOUSANDS of people.

Fools!! The lot of you.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

But some scams are just so slimy, especially when they appeal to one's religious side. Example:
http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/

And next week on PERIWEARSPANTS, we will go behind the scenes to investigate: PONZI SCAMS

My personal favourite.

2009-07-09T00:24:00.000-07:00

Old Work

2009-07-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

The following is a little example of how sometimes I like to just get wild and go out there and stick up stuff and try win an award off it, and then not win the award and then sulk about how much time I wasted going out there and sticking stuff up.

Enjoy.

2009-07-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

To my followers, I love you all. Each one of you.

2009-07-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

So. It's been an hour and still no followers. You know what, you guys just don't know a good thing when you see it. Why wont the world wide web village embrace me? Is it because I'm 8 years too late? Oh, I get it. It's the INTENSITY of my posts. Well, I'll take it down a few notches then.

Come on.

Just one follower.

That would be nice.

Look, I got mad fonts to play with. See how fun my blog can be.

Hi there, I'm a blogger and I blog like it's my J-O-B

2009-07-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

But it wont last long. I get bored quick. But since I'm into it right now, I thought I should load some work. Just some tidbits. Bite-size nibbles. Served cold.

Day One.

2009-07-06T07:27:00.000-07:00

And on the first day of creation, Peri was trying to figure out how to become a blogger. He had heard about blogs, far and wide, and even read a few. Suddenly he had a momentary slap of enlightenment to the face. "Hey, I'm an internet-savvy bloke," he grimaced "and still, I have no blog of which to speak. Hamba wena, Peri."

So he set out to join the flock of web sheep by starting his own.

He didn't expect anyone to read it.

But he felt as though he was finally sorting out his virtual life.

Shew.

Finally.